The Unexpected

You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. ~ Paolo Coelho

This morning, I had a speaking schedule at a National Plus School in South Jakarta. As usual, it was about parenting and this time I received a special request. Instead of choosing one of the three topics I have prepared for this term, i.e. 'Boundaries with Kids', 'Positive Push' and 'No Excuse Parenting', the school's representative would like me to present the parents with both 'Boundaries with Kids' and 'Positive Push'.

"No big deal, I'm sure I can do it," This is what I said to myself when I received the news. So few days ago, I started to glance through the slides and remove few of them in order to have a good flow for my presentation. In other words, I get used to prepare myself before speaking in front of public.

So far, I only deliver my presentation in English when I'm with Toastmasters. I remember it was only once when most of the parents were Indian and Korean then I had to do it bilingual in English and Indonesian.

When I arrived at the school this morning, it was still forty minutes before the seminar began. So, I looked around and paid attention to the kids who were still playing with their basket balls on the right side of the hall. When a small group of parents came in and I heard them speaking in Japanese, I began to wonder. Does this group of people understand Indonesian because my seminar will be in Bahasa? I was not informed if I should speak in English.

Nevertheless, I did not have ample time to ponder as it was time for the Master of Ceremony (MC) to start the session. Suddenly, when the MC just started his introduction, I heard a spontaneous comment from the audience, "Can you do it in English?" Fortunately, our MC can speak English, so no problem. At that very moment, I realized that I also had to give my seminar in English, too.

I was definitely right. When I asked the audience if I need to speak in English, they nodded their had and said YES. I then explained to them that this is an unexpected circumstances. But, for sure I would do my best to deliver it in English.

Deep in my heart, I was so grateful to Toastmasters. Ever since I joined the club in August 2005, I have found the right place to practice and improve my spoken English. The time, money and effort I have spent to come to Toastmasters really paid off this morning. I was thrilled to bits that I could do it. It was really such an invaluable experience!

A Scout is never taken by surprise; he knows exactly what to do when anything unexpected happens. ~ Sir Robert Baden-Powell

How Can I Get My Child to Study Everyday?

There are a lot of kids who neglect their homework until it piles up and then do it all at at once at the very last minute. In first or second grade, this maybe possible because work is still easy. But when study materials get more difficult, it'll become a burden. At this stage, children will start avoiding homework and making no progress in their studies. Consequently, self-motivation will also subside and create a vicious cycle. Worst of all, children will become lazy and would prefer to spend their time playing games rather than studying.

So what should be done to encourage a good study habit?

1. Let your child understand why study is important.
2. Parents should be consistent in encouraging their children to study everyday.
3. If they don't want to do their homework, find out the reason.
4. If they receive good mark, praise more on their effort in achieving it.
5. Always use positive words in communicating your message to them.

It's obvious that parents should become good communicators in dealing with their children. Of course, it won't be easy at first. However, if you are aware that the way you talk to your children will shape their strong or weak personalities, then you will do your best to produce a strong willed child.

Connecting to Our Passion

Most people look to their work to provide esteem, significance, and accomplishment. However, if we would like to dig deep into the meaning of life, it's more than just having a job that provides a sufficient level of financial security. In fact, what we do should give a sense of fulfillment which determine how well we live, how satisfied and fulfilled we are, and how we measure our self-worth.

Psychologist Roger Birkman in his book True Colors, states, "If you don't take the initiative in doing the things that are most important to you, years can pass without your knowing the satisfaction of being who you really are." As Birkman notes, it may not always be possible to pursue one's interest, or passions, in the work environment. Too often, passion and vocation are like separate tracks that never intersect. And many people are "stuck," feeling committed to careers that don't fulfill but do provide the financial resources to pay bills and sustain their chosen lifestyle. So, to leave their jobs to pursue passion will become an impossible mission.

Nevertheless, there is a saying, "Where there is a will, there is a way." Actually, we can start pursuing our passion outside working hours or during our leisure time. For sure, if we are passionate in what we are doing, we will have a strong desire, extra energy and enthusiasm to connect to our passion. In addition to this, no age limit should be set in pursuing our personal passion. BRITISH GOT TALENT's contestant, Susan Boyle is a good example. She was simply astounding in her performance version of the song "I Dreamed a Dream" from the popular stage musical Les Miserables. She was forty seven when her talent was first discovered few months ago.

On the other hand, not everybody knows what they really want to do to have a meaningful life. David A. Stoddard in his book "The Heart of Mentoring" suggests that an individual's quest to fulfill his or her vocational passion follows three phases:

1. Discovery
"Dream as only the sky is the limit" is the best advice as we explore the broad range of possibilities. Don't evaluate how realistic they are. What are the things we desired since we were children. Find out what we have done and what we have not done since then. And, one of the greatest joys of this discovery phase is that it can take us to the farthest horizons of our imaginations, something most of us have never ever thought it's possible before.

Around four year ago, when my daughter started Junior High School, I asked myself, "What am I passionate about? What would I really love to do so I could have a fulfilled life? Day by day, as my children become less and less dependent on me, I have more time to do things for myself. This is the time to discover what I really want for the rest of my life." I felt fortunate that for years reading has broaden my horizon. Consequently, it was not so difficult to find what I really want in life.

2. Tinkering
In this phase, the intention is to probe for possible ways of bringing passion and vocation together, not yet to find answers or solutions. It involves a lot of "what ifs". This is a circular process where we mentally march round and round, kicking around ideas for as long as necessary to learn and to evaluate what seems to make sense. Then we have to tinker with the idea and explore to see if it's feasible in the world we are living.

At the time I came to the tinkering phase, I've learned to play piano for five years, so what if I become a piano player? As I also enjoy sharing my parenting knowledge and experience with my friends, I thought probably a parenting consultant could be more feasible. What if I become a public speaker so my voice could be heard by more people? What if I improve my singing ability so I could fulfill my childhood's dream? These questions kept singing in my mind so I began to justify what I would do to discover my calling.

At this stage, a famous saying, "when the student is ready, the teacher will come," is really applicable. I then enrolled in a two-day coaching workshop, joined Toastmasters Clubs so I could learn and improve my presentation skill, read as many books as I could to improve and sharpen my knowledge, and started my vocal lesson two years ago. It took a couple of years before I came to the final phase.

3. Reality
In this phase, we undertakes a more serious and thorough investigation of viable possibilities, conducting necessary research and fact-finding, and encountering challenges. Keep in mind that a specific job is not necessarily the central issue. A job provides a context for fulfilling one's passion or calling. Contexts can change, but calling never does.

In my case, at the end I realize though I've been practicing hard to play the piano, it's still not the thing I really enjoy doing. I much prefer to deal with people and become a public speaker. After all these years of process, I believe that I'm now on the right track.

In brief, an important concept to remember is:

• In the discovery phase, we're "soaring the heights."
• In the tinkering phase, we're starting to come down for a landing.
• In the reality phase, the plane has landed.

At last, what we're contemplating up in the air will not always look the same when we touch down into reality. Nonetheless, the journey to get there would give you an exciting and thrilling experience. As Arthur Robert Ashe, Jr states, "Success is a journey not a destination. The doing is usually more important than the outcome. Not everyone can be Number 1."

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." - Marie Curie

At first, I was in doubt whether or not I would attend meeting at Jakarta Advanced Toastmasters Club (JATC) last Friday night. However, since the club's meeting is held only once a month, I then forced myself to go. "At least, I could meet some friends I seldom see," I said to myself. I also reassured myself that it's always useful to be present at any Toastmasters meetings as there are always important lessons to be learned.

It was quite a surprise for me when Toastmasters of the Meeting (TOM) announced that theme of the day was Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. "It was the title of a book, wasn't it?" I exclaimed. The room went quiet for few seconds as nobody responded to my statement. Finally, when I had a chance to ask our TOM where did she find those beautiful words, she replied that it was from internet.

On the way home, I kept asking myself, "Why is the book so special for me? It was twelve years ago when I read it and yet I still couldn't forget its title." Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a book written by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. It was in 1997 when I bought and read it. At that time, I was on the verge of leaving my professional career as I had decided to became a full-time mother for my children. Just blame all the parenting books I had read before I came up with one of the the bravest decisions I ever made in my life. It might not easy leaving the career you had been striving to achieve for years and become a stay-at-home mother instead.

So, what I was afraid of at that time?

1. Would I be able to cope with the changing activity? I means from working outside to working at home?
2. Would I be able to educate and raise my children properly?
3. Would I be able to help my children develop self-learning ability?
4. Could I lead a happy life?
   

Fortunately, Susan's book came at the right time. Firstly, I started with a small step in handling my fear. I spent more time reading motivational and inspirational books. My own library kept growing so fast. If you think that it might be costly to buy those books - you are right. However, I could't think of a better invesment to make. Now, I reap what I sow. Because of the the books I read, I was able to move myself from a position of pain to a position of power.

Next, I learned how to take charge of myself, not blaming anyone else for anything I am being, doing, having or feeling. It started with the end of your mind. But how? Stop feeding yourself with negative thoughts, especially when dealing with your children. If you want them to be successful in their study and personal growth, you've got to have enough information on how to do the 'parenting' right. Always send positive message and believe that they can do it.

At last, I always expand my "comfort zone". I dare to try new things to improve my ability. And, being a Toastmasters has helped me become a better person. After what I've learned in Toastmasters, it's time for me to give back what I've got by sharing my knowledge and experience with others, giving away praise and giving away time to help others.

So, fear is really not a problem if we know how to cope with it.

A Message to Parents

Dear parents, today I would like to share with you a favorite message from a teenager. Believe me, this message will help us stay true to our parenting commitment.

A MESSAGE TO PARENTS

If you RESPECT me,
I will hear you.

If you LISTEN to me,
I will feel understood.

If you UNDERSTAND me,
I will feel appreciated.

If you APPRECIATE me,
I will know your support.

If you SUPPORT me as I try new things,
I will become responsible

When I am RESPONSIBLE,
I will grow to be independent.

In my INDEPENDENCE,
I will respect you and love you all of my life.

Thank you, Your Teenager


Source of message: Parent as Coach by Diana Haskins

The King and His Loyal Servant

What happen if your children don't want to listen to your advice? Do you get angry and keep on criticizing them for not obeying you? If yes, you are probably on the brink of making them stay away from you. You think your advice is good for them and if they don't listen, you are getting upset. It is not easy to become parents nowadays, isn't it? And, we need to become a better communicator in order that our children would listen to us. So, even when we have to criticize them, they still could accept. In other words, how we talk to our children is important to make them pay attention to what we say.

For people who don't want to be criticized, there is a famous Chinese saying: "liang(2) yao(4) ku(3) kou(3)" or "good medicine tastes bitter" (please note that each number inside the bracket represents the phonetics used to distinguish different meanings in Chinese language). And, this proverb was gracefully explained in a story as follows:

Once upon a time in China, there lived a king who couldn't accept any critique. Everybody in the kingdom should follow what he said. As a result, he was surrounded by people who got used to praise him and high ranking officials who were incompetent to help the king run the empire. One day, when the enemy came to attack this kingdom, no one was able to protect and defend their country. Everybody flew away like a bird. Fortunately, the king, accompanied by his loyal servant was able to escape using a horse-drawn carriage. When the king was hungry and thirsty after hours fleeing his palace, the servant gave him delicious food to eat.

"How could you have this?" asked the King.
"I always prepare things for you, Your Highness to anticipate if one day when we have to flee this country, you can still survive." answered the loyal servant
"How did you know that one day I have to leave my kingdom?"
"I predicted long before it happened today."
"Why didn't anybody tell me?"
"You only wanted to hear admiration, adulation and adoration, Your Highness. If I told you before, I believe you would send me to the gallows. And, if I were dead, no one would accompany you today."

When the servant finished his words, the King lost his temper and his face was swollen from an outburst of anger. All of a sudden, he blamed and condemned his servant. The loyal servant was very upset and realized that the King would never ever change. He thought that even in this kind of difficult situation, the king was still heartless and ruthless. In order to avoid further conflict, the servant rephrased his words, "Your highness, I'm deeply sorry for what I've said. It's all my fault. Please forgive me."

Both of them remained silent till the King started the conversation again.
"Tell me, why do I have to leave my beloved kingdom and its people?"
"Cause you are very kind, Your Highness."
"But, why a good king like me could not enjoy his life in the palace and have to go into exile instead?"
"Unfortunately, as a kind-hearted king, you were not supported by good people. They all envy your wisdom and indirectly they forced you to leave your country."

Feeling dazzled, the king laid down his head on the servant's lap and felt asleep. Looking at the king, the servant thought that it was time for him to leave this silly and stupid emperor who didn't have the ability to run and rule his own kingdom. The servant then moved the king's head from his lap slowly and carefully and then walked away. After being left alone, the King who didn't know how to take care of himself was found dead.

Moral of the story: It's impossible to make progress in any aspect of your life if you don't want to be criticized. Criticism is just like a good medicine that tastes bitter. However, it has the power to penetrate deep into your inner organs and cure the disease.

Next time, please don't be upset if your children ignore what you've said to them. You can use the story I've just shared with you to remind them how important an advice or critique to make progress in life. I believe if you use this approach, you will be surprised to witness the power of storytelling to enhance your message to your beloved children.

Source: A Chinese book called 'Ren(2) Sheng(1)' - Making Your Choice in Life.

Tips for Travel Photography

"To judge a thing, one must first know the standard." - Sanskrit Proverb.

Monday, April 27, 2009
I felt relief when it stopped raining around 5 pm because I had to attend a Toastmasters meeting at JTC (Jakarta Toastmasters Club). I hoped on the way there, the traffic would be friendly. My wish came true. I left home at 5.45 and reached the meeting place at 6.40 pm. A week before, the appointed TOM (Toastmasters of the Meeting) for the evening, DTM (Distinguish Toastmasters) Harlina Indra offered me to evaluate Matthew Price's speech. I said yes to her though I knew it's not always easy for me to be an individual evaluator. And yet, I dared to take the challenge because I knew that Toastmasters is the best place to learn and to practice what you have learned. Does it sound interesting now?

So, when I met Matthew at JTC, he handed over his speech manual to me and whispered, "Vina, I think you are not the right person to evaluate my speech tonight. You don't like traveling and I'll be talking about it." When he grinned amiably at me after finishing his words, I knew he was just teasing me. Matthew is a humble and friendly guy. He is always full of creativity every time he delivers his speech. For sure, I was lucky to be his evaluator that evening.

Matthew would deliver project no. 1 (The Speech to Inform) from Advanced Communication Manual, Speaking to Inform. The objectives of this project are:

• The information is new and useful to the audience.
• The speech should be clearly organized for easy understandability and retention.
  
• The speaker is advised to present the information in a way that help motivates the audience to learn.
• Time: five to seven minutes.

And, his speech title was: TIPS FOR TRAVEL PHOTOGRAPHY

Now, let me share my evaluation with you:

1. Photography is a new subject to most of us so the topic is relevant to the audience.
2. I truly believe that Matthew was well prepared as he was familiar and comfortable with his material.
3. He put his own photos into 'Power Point' and used them as visual aids to enhance his message.
4. He was confident, took control of the stage with natural body movement and good eye contact.
5. His speech was clearly organized.

I would like to explain in more detail regarding point number 5 above. A good speech should have a strong opening, organized body and a memorable closing or conclusion.

On his presentation, Matthew directly grabbed the audience's attention with a strong opening. He took out his pocket camera and was directly into action as if he was taking pictures. Then, body of the speech which plays an important role to enhance his message. In this part, he started showing his slides while explaining the three important aspects of photography, i.e. people, landscape and creativity.

1. People

If your focus is people, please make sure that they are clearly seen and big enough to become center of attention.

2. Landscape
Put the horizon line on the upper or lower part of the center line. In other words, don't put the horizon line in the middle.

3. Creativity
Be creative in your photo shooting.

At the end, Matthew closed his speech with a beautiful and creative slide. It was the picture of him jumping in the air. I thought his closing would even be stronger if he also jumped in front of us imitating his pose on the last slide.

Anyway, Matthew's message was educational and effective for me. I learned new thing that night. And, for sure that I would remember these three simple aspects of photography long after that night. Thank you Matthew for sharing your knowledge with us and for giving me the permission to share three of your photos here.

Before I left JTC, Matthew gave me a beautiful calender from the Australian Embassy. From total of thirteen pictures, three photos taken by Matthew were included. I was grateful and said to him that I would keep it as long as I could.

At last, let me close this writing by sharing a beautiful words from Goldsmith: "People seldom improve when they have no other model but themselves to copy after."

Character

Some time ago I came across the following poem in one of the books I read:

Don't walk behind me, I will not lead;
Don't walk in front of me, I will not follow;
Just walk beside me and be my friend.

These words sum up clearly and concisely the expectations of any parents if one day their young adult children are ready to leave the nest. However, before the time comes, let's ask ourselves: What have we done to prepare our children so one day they are ready to fly with their own wings? In parenting our child, most of us interact in a way that comes naturally. In other words, we are the legacy our parents and/or grandparents has left behind. However, as time has changed during the past four decades, our parenting styles also need adjustment to cope with this. We can't only depend on the past solutions we learned from older generation. As a matter of fact, we have to improve our parenting knowledge. The future is now. We are preparing our children for the future. In other words, think about the future while parenting in the present.

Now, what is the most important key our children should have? It is CHARACTER. A person's character is one's destiny. Positive character determines the inner strength. It is a strong foundation to moral functioning or integrity. The patterns children establish early in life will live out later. And character is always formed in a child's early life in strong bonding and relationship among the family and extended family members.

So, what can we do to develop a positive character in our children? There are three things we can start with:

1. RESPONSIBILITY
Our children need to know that they are responsible for themselves. Their problems are their own problems, so no one else to be blamed. We have to make them understand that they must gradually take responsibility for their own problems. What begins as the parent's burden must end up as theirs. For example, I've prepared my children to be responsible for their own study since the first grade. At the time, I only help them to gradually develop their self-learning ability. It was not easy at first. However, it was worth all the effort involved.

2. RESPECT
Have you ever been in a relationship with a friend who can't respect your boundaries? It is a tiring and difficult thing to cope, isn't it? It is our job to make our children realize that if they grow up not respecting others, their future will be in jeopardy. Children tend to be mirrors in which we see ourselves. They reflect our behavior, habits, attitudes and ways of seeing life. So before we teach our children, make sure we are respecting theirs and others.

Here are some rules:

• Don't hurt others
• Understand that we are different from each other
  
• Show respect to people around you, especially to your spouse
  
• Feel sad instead of mad when we don't get what we want

A good lesson we can teach our children is that the world doesn't belong to only them and they have to share it with others. It's okay when they don't always get what they want.

3. MOTIVATION
During Q&A (Question and Answer) session at my parenting seminar in schools, most parents complained that their children don't have enough motivation to study. How could this happen? And what can you do to help them develop good motivation?

• Fear of consequences. Thing to do: Avoid angry punishment. Don't give your child guilt and shame messages.
  
• Immature conscience. Thing to do: Avoid over-strictness or under-strictness.
• Detachment and conditional love. Thing to do: Create a supportive relationship and love unconditionally.

We know that parents play an important role in bringing up a child. Especially nowadays, our task becomes much more difficult. So, keep on improving ourselves in order to become a better parent for the children as their future depends on how we develop them now. As I do agree with what Jacqueline Kennedy said: "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much."