The Love Needs

Our marriage life is dead. Our sex life is almost nonexistent. My spouse and I don't talk much anymore. I don't see how we can ever have a great marriage. I'm not sure my spouse really wants me. We argue more than we ever did before. We still live under one roof for the sake of the children. Are you familiar with these conditions and thinking, That's us? If yes, then this article is for you.

If you are at that point of discouragement in your marriage, take heart. You always can restore the damage provided both of you want to work it out. I've been married for more than eighteen years and feel that it's very important to stay connected to our spouse. The reason is that I don't want to miss out on the joy of a great marriage. After up and down in the first ten years of my marriage, I learned that the most important thing to preserve your marriage is TO UNDERSTAND & MEET EACH OTHER'S LOVE NEEDS, such as:

1. Acceptance
2. Companionship
3. Romance

ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance means, "I will stay with you no matter what. I will always love you and support you." It's easy to say but difficult to do especially in the midst of tough times, isn't? Anyhow, my husband is a good example of this. I once asked him, "We've been married for quite a long time. You know me inside out and outside in. I'm impulsive and straightforward, don't like to travel, I sometimes nag you and hurt your feelings. If only you could go back to the time you decided to marry me, would you still do the same or you would marry someone else?" "I would marry no one, but you," he said. "I've been living with you for many years and it never comes to my mind that I want to replace this with someone else. I have no regrets, my dear. I love you whoever you are and always see the positive sides of you."

I couldn't believe my ears, but felt relief that he only answered my question and didn't throw it back to me. I knew I wasn't as ready as he was to answer such question. However, from that moment, I felt that I was lucky to have this humble and simple man, not only as my husband but also as father of my children. He is wise, kind and understanding. He has been very supportive for all these years. He gives me chance to develop and improve myself and never complains if I keep on buying books. So, in my opinion acceptance is the cornerstone for unconditional love.

COMPANIONSHIP
Our partner should be our best friend. It means that we have to develop a level of trust that will enable us to feel honesty, trust and safe. Here are some tips to create an intimate companionship:

• Show that you care
• Listen without judging
• Offer encouragement
• Give undivided attention
  
• Share your own experience to draw your spouse closer to you
• Learn some of the things your spouse is interested in
• Be present if needed

There is a saying that "The couple that plays together stays together." However, this doesn't mean that we have to be "good" at everything our spouse excels at and we don't have to be as enthusiastic about things as they are. What matters is that we validate their interest and join them in some of their activities. For example, my husband likes to watch football games on TV and I only accompany him once in a while. But, I update myself on football news to maintain a positive conversation with him. My husband is not a Toastmasters like me, but he has been well informed on my activities in Toastmasters. So, to maintain a good companionship we've got to maintain an open communication.

ROMANCE
Romance is love or the feeling of being in love. After years of marriage, most of us seem to overlook one of the most important things to preserve our marriage. It is to nurture a romantic relationship. If you are not a romantic person, you need to learn how to become one. Otherwise, your relationship will go sour. Maybe you could start by writing a simple love letter. Or, if you can't, find the one written by someone else and read it for your spouse. If it's still difficult, just print it out and hand it over to your spouse for reading. Does it sound easy now?

At the 'love letter' session in one of our Toastmasters meetings, there was a beautiful letter written by one of my fellows Toastmasters. He said that he wrote it for someone special but never sent it out. I then asked if I could include his letter on my writing and publish it in my blog. He agreed and sent it to me by e-mail. I like it very much and hope that you will like it, too. I've read it over and over again, and hopefully it can be a source of inspiration for you to write your own love letters.

My love,
You asked how much I need you? Must I explain?
I need you like roses need rain.

You asked how much I miss you... let me explain,
Raising in the morning, my first thought is of you.
I dream of you every night.

You asked how much I love you?
You asked how long will I love you?
Must I explain?

I love you till the clover lost its perfume,
I love you till the blue bells forget to bloom,
And that is a very, very long time...

Affectionately yours,
XOXOXO

At last, no matter what position is your marriage now, remember that ACCEPTANCE, COMPANIONSHIP and ROMANCE can always be a path to enhance your love every day, every hour and every minute.