A Special Note for You

My love,
You don't have to say you love me.
You don't need to prove that you care for me.
In fact, you are the most understanding person I've ever met in my life.

 
You asked how many books do I have now?
"Around eight hundred," I answered.
"Including seventy which have not been read."
You were flabbergasted and fell silent for a moment.
But, when I smiled at you, you smiled back.

Then, I continued, "In spite of this, I still couldn't resist
the temptation to stay away from Gramedia or amazon.com."
You were speechless for a while.
Afterward, when you looked at me, I saw a bigger smile on your face.
What a relief, my dear!

 
"You know me inside out and outside in, don't you?"
You nodded as if you don't mind how many books I still need to have.
You didn't even try to stop me cause you know I'm a bookworm.
 

You did tell me many times.
That as long as I'm happy, you'll be happy, too.
So, thank you so much for being a supportive husband.

 

The Roast

In Toastmasters, if you happen to work on the Special Occasion Speeches Manual then you would be familiar with its third project called 'The Roast'. Few weeks ago, when my fellow Toastmasters, Matthew Price asked if he could 'roast' me in this project, I definitely said 'YES'. For me, it was a great honor to be included in his speech. Matthew promised me that after his delivery, he would send the script and let me post it to this blog. "Thank you, Matthew!"

Last night, I was really entertained by his speech and delivery. I knew that he had put a great deal of effort to poke fun at me in a good-natured way. Quoted from the manual: "Used in the speaking sense, the word 'roast' implies that heat is being applied to someone - that someone is being 'cooked' or embarrassed in some way. Actually, a roast can be considered a positive recognition, in which an individual and his or her achievements are honored by friends, co-workers and family. A roast relies on wit, humor and satire to convey the message."

So, here is the script of Matthew's speech and I hope you enjoy reading it.


"You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it, you know I'm bad..."

My fellow Toastmasters and guests. When I first thought about doing this Roast Speech on Wivina, I thought it was going to be really hard because Wivina is such a nice person - she is not bad at all. What would I talk about? But then I got to know her a bit more and here are some of the things I thought about.

Now - there is no doubt about it - Wivina likes to sing and she often starts a speech by singing just like I did at the opening here. So, when I heard that she used to be a radio announcer when she was 15, well it made me wonder - what she was like on the radio? Hmmm...

"And the time is five minutes past ten, next we have the weather coming up, but first a song from me: "I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane..."

"That was the latest song from the Rolling Stones, almost as good as the song from my first album "I Believe the Children are Our Future, Teach Them Well."

I was also surprised to learn that Wivina thinks she is a serious person. Serious? I've never heard someone laugh so much every single meeting we have! Does this look like the face of a serious person to you? I don't even have to pay her to laugh at my jokes - I love having her around.

Speaking of love, it's no secret and no surprise that Wivina has many admirers - they contact her from her facebook site. Even though she has been married for 19 years, they still contact her. What did you do to them 19 years ago??? My parents have been married for 39 years and none of their old partners contacts them - that I know of.

And, many of you know that besides Facebook, Wivina has a blog. I think she has this just in case many admirers from her youth miss her Facebook account. It's like bait, that she casts lure them all in. And if that doesn't work, well at least you could always write a book. Oh wait - no, you already are. Hmmm...

No, it's not true - Wivina is a very family oriented person - she still loves her husband very much. I mean we all hear about him, don't we? Every time she gets up to speak. Have you ever noticed that? My husband this, my husband that. In every speech!

Did you know her husband once told her... He said, "You are an endangered species and should be put into a museum." Now - I was a bit confused - is that because you were rare and priceless, or because he just wanted you out of the house for a while?

But, let's move on to her Toastmasters career. The speech that Wivina was most the proud of giving was her Basic Manual number 10 "Inspire Your Audience" which she called "Pour Your Heart Into It." This was no surprise to me - I see Wivina as someone that likes to inspire people, and I know that she has inspired me a lot. For instance, she has inspired me to NEVER SING ON STAGE. She has inspired me to laugh quietly and calmly in a PROPER manner. And she has inspired me to participate fully and become a member of any Toastmasters clubs that I have been involved in. Many of you know that Wivina is not actually a member of this club. But we are hoping she will become a member soon...

Now I would like to say that after I have come to know Wivina a bit better, I can see that she has grown so much over her life, and I respect this all the more as I know that her family life has not always been easy. This is of course quite different from my family, where my parents didn't have to struggle at all to raise the three of us children.

So - to finish off, I would like to thank you for being willing to be the subject of my humble little speech tonight. I think that all of your experience have helped you appreciate life all the more. She once said that she considers herself to be the "luckiest person in the world." And well, I think that if you aren't the luckiest person in the world, then I would say that your husband must be the luckiest person in the world to have you.

The Unexpected

You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. ~ Paolo Coelho

This morning, I had a speaking schedule at a National Plus School in South Jakarta. As usual, it was about parenting and this time I received a special request. Instead of choosing one of the three topics I have prepared for this term, i.e. 'Boundaries with Kids', 'Positive Push' and 'No Excuse Parenting', the school's representative would like me to present the parents with both 'Boundaries with Kids' and 'Positive Push'.

"No big deal, I'm sure I can do it," This is what I said to myself when I received the news. So few days ago, I started to glance through the slides and remove few of them in order to have a good flow for my presentation. In other words, I get used to prepare myself before speaking in front of public.

So far, I only deliver my presentation in English when I'm with Toastmasters. I remember it was only once when most of the parents were Indian and Korean then I had to do it bilingual in English and Indonesian.

When I arrived at the school this morning, it was still forty minutes before the seminar began. So, I looked around and paid attention to the kids who were still playing with their basket balls on the right side of the hall. When a small group of parents came in and I heard them speaking in Japanese, I began to wonder. Does this group of people understand Indonesian because my seminar will be in Bahasa? I was not informed if I should speak in English.

Nevertheless, I did not have ample time to ponder as it was time for the Master of Ceremony (MC) to start the session. Suddenly, when the MC just started his introduction, I heard a spontaneous comment from the audience, "Can you do it in English?" Fortunately, our MC can speak English, so no problem. At that very moment, I realized that I also had to give my seminar in English, too.

I was definitely right. When I asked the audience if I need to speak in English, they nodded their had and said YES. I then explained to them that this is an unexpected circumstances. But, for sure I would do my best to deliver it in English.

Deep in my heart, I was so grateful to Toastmasters. Ever since I joined the club in August 2005, I have found the right place to practice and improve my spoken English. The time, money and effort I have spent to come to Toastmasters really paid off this morning. I was thrilled to bits that I could do it. It was really such an invaluable experience!

A Scout is never taken by surprise; he knows exactly what to do when anything unexpected happens. ~ Sir Robert Baden-Powell

How Can I Get My Child to Study Everyday?

There are a lot of kids who neglect their homework until it piles up and then do it all at at once at the very last minute. In first or second grade, this maybe possible because work is still easy. But when study materials get more difficult, it'll become a burden. At this stage, children will start avoiding homework and making no progress in their studies. Consequently, self-motivation will also subside and create a vicious cycle. Worst of all, children will become lazy and would prefer to spend their time playing games rather than studying.

So what should be done to encourage a good study habit?

1. Let your child understand why study is important.
2. Parents should be consistent in encouraging their children to study everyday.
3. If they don't want to do their homework, find out the reason.
4. If they receive good mark, praise more on their effort in achieving it.
5. Always use positive words in communicating your message to them.

It's obvious that parents should become good communicators in dealing with their children. Of course, it won't be easy at first. However, if you are aware that the way you talk to your children will shape their strong or weak personalities, then you will do your best to produce a strong willed child.

Connecting to Our Passion

Most people look to their work to provide esteem, significance, and accomplishment. However, if we would like to dig deep into the meaning of life, it's more than just having a job that provides a sufficient level of financial security. In fact, what we do should give a sense of fulfillment which determine how well we live, how satisfied and fulfilled we are, and how we measure our self-worth.

Psychologist Roger Birkman in his book True Colors, states, "If you don't take the initiative in doing the things that are most important to you, years can pass without your knowing the satisfaction of being who you really are." As Birkman notes, it may not always be possible to pursue one's interest, or passions, in the work environment. Too often, passion and vocation are like separate tracks that never intersect. And many people are "stuck," feeling committed to careers that don't fulfill but do provide the financial resources to pay bills and sustain their chosen lifestyle. So, to leave their jobs to pursue passion will become an impossible mission.

Nevertheless, there is a saying, "Where there is a will, there is a way." Actually, we can start pursuing our passion outside working hours or during our leisure time. For sure, if we are passionate in what we are doing, we will have a strong desire, extra energy and enthusiasm to connect to our passion. In addition to this, no age limit should be set in pursuing our personal passion. BRITISH GOT TALENT's contestant, Susan Boyle is a good example. She was simply astounding in her performance version of the song "I Dreamed a Dream" from the popular stage musical Les Miserables. She was forty seven when her talent was first discovered few months ago.

On the other hand, not everybody knows what they really want to do to have a meaningful life. David A. Stoddard in his book "The Heart of Mentoring" suggests that an individual's quest to fulfill his or her vocational passion follows three phases:

1. Discovery
"Dream as only the sky is the limit" is the best advice as we explore the broad range of possibilities. Don't evaluate how realistic they are. What are the things we desired since we were children. Find out what we have done and what we have not done since then. And, one of the greatest joys of this discovery phase is that it can take us to the farthest horizons of our imaginations, something most of us have never ever thought it's possible before.

Around four year ago, when my daughter started Junior High School, I asked myself, "What am I passionate about? What would I really love to do so I could have a fulfilled life? Day by day, as my children become less and less dependent on me, I have more time to do things for myself. This is the time to discover what I really want for the rest of my life." I felt fortunate that for years reading has broaden my horizon. Consequently, it was not so difficult to find what I really want in life.

2. Tinkering
In this phase, the intention is to probe for possible ways of bringing passion and vocation together, not yet to find answers or solutions. It involves a lot of "what ifs". This is a circular process where we mentally march round and round, kicking around ideas for as long as necessary to learn and to evaluate what seems to make sense. Then we have to tinker with the idea and explore to see if it's feasible in the world we are living.

At the time I came to the tinkering phase, I've learned to play piano for five years, so what if I become a piano player? As I also enjoy sharing my parenting knowledge and experience with my friends, I thought probably a parenting consultant could be more feasible. What if I become a public speaker so my voice could be heard by more people? What if I improve my singing ability so I could fulfill my childhood's dream? These questions kept singing in my mind so I began to justify what I would do to discover my calling.

At this stage, a famous saying, "when the student is ready, the teacher will come," is really applicable. I then enrolled in a two-day coaching workshop, joined Toastmasters Clubs so I could learn and improve my presentation skill, read as many books as I could to improve and sharpen my knowledge, and started my vocal lesson two years ago. It took a couple of years before I came to the final phase.

3. Reality
In this phase, we undertakes a more serious and thorough investigation of viable possibilities, conducting necessary research and fact-finding, and encountering challenges. Keep in mind that a specific job is not necessarily the central issue. A job provides a context for fulfilling one's passion or calling. Contexts can change, but calling never does.

In my case, at the end I realize though I've been practicing hard to play the piano, it's still not the thing I really enjoy doing. I much prefer to deal with people and become a public speaker. After all these years of process, I believe that I'm now on the right track.

In brief, an important concept to remember is:

• In the discovery phase, we're "soaring the heights."
• In the tinkering phase, we're starting to come down for a landing.
• In the reality phase, the plane has landed.

At last, what we're contemplating up in the air will not always look the same when we touch down into reality. Nonetheless, the journey to get there would give you an exciting and thrilling experience. As Arthur Robert Ashe, Jr states, "Success is a journey not a destination. The doing is usually more important than the outcome. Not everyone can be Number 1."

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." - Marie Curie

At first, I was in doubt whether or not I would attend meeting at Jakarta Advanced Toastmasters Club (JATC) last Friday night. However, since the club's meeting is held only once a month, I then forced myself to go. "At least, I could meet some friends I seldom see," I said to myself. I also reassured myself that it's always useful to be present at any Toastmasters meetings as there are always important lessons to be learned.

It was quite a surprise for me when Toastmasters of the Meeting (TOM) announced that theme of the day was Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. "It was the title of a book, wasn't it?" I exclaimed. The room went quiet for few seconds as nobody responded to my statement. Finally, when I had a chance to ask our TOM where did she find those beautiful words, she replied that it was from internet.

On the way home, I kept asking myself, "Why is the book so special for me? It was twelve years ago when I read it and yet I still couldn't forget its title." Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a book written by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. It was in 1997 when I bought and read it. At that time, I was on the verge of leaving my professional career as I had decided to became a full-time mother for my children. Just blame all the parenting books I had read before I came up with one of the the bravest decisions I ever made in my life. It might not easy leaving the career you had been striving to achieve for years and become a stay-at-home mother instead.

So, what I was afraid of at that time?

1. Would I be able to cope with the changing activity? I means from working outside to working at home?
2. Would I be able to educate and raise my children properly?
3. Would I be able to help my children develop self-learning ability?
4. Could I lead a happy life?
   

Fortunately, Susan's book came at the right time. Firstly, I started with a small step in handling my fear. I spent more time reading motivational and inspirational books. My own library kept growing so fast. If you think that it might be costly to buy those books - you are right. However, I could't think of a better invesment to make. Now, I reap what I sow. Because of the the books I read, I was able to move myself from a position of pain to a position of power.

Next, I learned how to take charge of myself, not blaming anyone else for anything I am being, doing, having or feeling. It started with the end of your mind. But how? Stop feeding yourself with negative thoughts, especially when dealing with your children. If you want them to be successful in their study and personal growth, you've got to have enough information on how to do the 'parenting' right. Always send positive message and believe that they can do it.

At last, I always expand my "comfort zone". I dare to try new things to improve my ability. And, being a Toastmasters has helped me become a better person. After what I've learned in Toastmasters, it's time for me to give back what I've got by sharing my knowledge and experience with others, giving away praise and giving away time to help others.

So, fear is really not a problem if we know how to cope with it.

A Message to Parents

Dear parents, today I would like to share with you a favorite message from a teenager. Believe me, this message will help us stay true to our parenting commitment.

A MESSAGE TO PARENTS

If you RESPECT me,
I will hear you.

If you LISTEN to me,
I will feel understood.

If you UNDERSTAND me,
I will feel appreciated.

If you APPRECIATE me,
I will know your support.

If you SUPPORT me as I try new things,
I will become responsible

When I am RESPONSIBLE,
I will grow to be independent.

In my INDEPENDENCE,
I will respect you and love you all of my life.

Thank you, Your Teenager


Source of message: Parent as Coach by Diana Haskins

The King and His Loyal Servant

What happen if your children don't want to listen to your advice? Do you get angry and keep on criticizing them for not obeying you? If yes, you are probably on the brink of making them stay away from you. You think your advice is good for them and if they don't listen, you are getting upset. It is not easy to become parents nowadays, isn't it? And, we need to become a better communicator in order that our children would listen to us. So, even when we have to criticize them, they still could accept. In other words, how we talk to our children is important to make them pay attention to what we say.

For people who don't want to be criticized, there is a famous Chinese saying: "liang(2) yao(4) ku(3) kou(3)" or "good medicine tastes bitter" (please note that each number inside the bracket represents the phonetics used to distinguish different meanings in Chinese language). And, this proverb was gracefully explained in a story as follows:

Once upon a time in China, there lived a king who couldn't accept any critique. Everybody in the kingdom should follow what he said. As a result, he was surrounded by people who got used to praise him and high ranking officials who were incompetent to help the king run the empire. One day, when the enemy came to attack this kingdom, no one was able to protect and defend their country. Everybody flew away like a bird. Fortunately, the king, accompanied by his loyal servant was able to escape using a horse-drawn carriage. When the king was hungry and thirsty after hours fleeing his palace, the servant gave him delicious food to eat.

"How could you have this?" asked the King.
"I always prepare things for you, Your Highness to anticipate if one day when we have to flee this country, you can still survive." answered the loyal servant
"How did you know that one day I have to leave my kingdom?"
"I predicted long before it happened today."
"Why didn't anybody tell me?"
"You only wanted to hear admiration, adulation and adoration, Your Highness. If I told you before, I believe you would send me to the gallows. And, if I were dead, no one would accompany you today."

When the servant finished his words, the King lost his temper and his face was swollen from an outburst of anger. All of a sudden, he blamed and condemned his servant. The loyal servant was very upset and realized that the King would never ever change. He thought that even in this kind of difficult situation, the king was still heartless and ruthless. In order to avoid further conflict, the servant rephrased his words, "Your highness, I'm deeply sorry for what I've said. It's all my fault. Please forgive me."

Both of them remained silent till the King started the conversation again.
"Tell me, why do I have to leave my beloved kingdom and its people?"
"Cause you are very kind, Your Highness."
"But, why a good king like me could not enjoy his life in the palace and have to go into exile instead?"
"Unfortunately, as a kind-hearted king, you were not supported by good people. They all envy your wisdom and indirectly they forced you to leave your country."

Feeling dazzled, the king laid down his head on the servant's lap and felt asleep. Looking at the king, the servant thought that it was time for him to leave this silly and stupid emperor who didn't have the ability to run and rule his own kingdom. The servant then moved the king's head from his lap slowly and carefully and then walked away. After being left alone, the King who didn't know how to take care of himself was found dead.

Moral of the story: It's impossible to make progress in any aspect of your life if you don't want to be criticized. Criticism is just like a good medicine that tastes bitter. However, it has the power to penetrate deep into your inner organs and cure the disease.

Next time, please don't be upset if your children ignore what you've said to them. You can use the story I've just shared with you to remind them how important an advice or critique to make progress in life. I believe if you use this approach, you will be surprised to witness the power of storytelling to enhance your message to your beloved children.

Source: A Chinese book called 'Ren(2) Sheng(1)' - Making Your Choice in Life.

Tips for Travel Photography

"To judge a thing, one must first know the standard." - Sanskrit Proverb.

Monday, April 27, 2009
I felt relief when it stopped raining around 5 pm because I had to attend a Toastmasters meeting at JTC (Jakarta Toastmasters Club). I hoped on the way there, the traffic would be friendly. My wish came true. I left home at 5.45 and reached the meeting place at 6.40 pm. A week before, the appointed TOM (Toastmasters of the Meeting) for the evening, DTM (Distinguish Toastmasters) Harlina Indra offered me to evaluate Matthew Price's speech. I said yes to her though I knew it's not always easy for me to be an individual evaluator. And yet, I dared to take the challenge because I knew that Toastmasters is the best place to learn and to practice what you have learned. Does it sound interesting now?

So, when I met Matthew at JTC, he handed over his speech manual to me and whispered, "Vina, I think you are not the right person to evaluate my speech tonight. You don't like traveling and I'll be talking about it." When he grinned amiably at me after finishing his words, I knew he was just teasing me. Matthew is a humble and friendly guy. He is always full of creativity every time he delivers his speech. For sure, I was lucky to be his evaluator that evening.

Matthew would deliver project no. 1 (The Speech to Inform) from Advanced Communication Manual, Speaking to Inform. The objectives of this project are:

• The information is new and useful to the audience.
• The speech should be clearly organized for easy understandability and retention.
  
• The speaker is advised to present the information in a way that help motivates the audience to learn.
• Time: five to seven minutes.

And, his speech title was: TIPS FOR TRAVEL PHOTOGRAPHY

Now, let me share my evaluation with you:

1. Photography is a new subject to most of us so the topic is relevant to the audience.
2. I truly believe that Matthew was well prepared as he was familiar and comfortable with his material.
3. He put his own photos into 'Power Point' and used them as visual aids to enhance his message.
4. He was confident, took control of the stage with natural body movement and good eye contact.
5. His speech was clearly organized.

I would like to explain in more detail regarding point number 5 above. A good speech should have a strong opening, organized body and a memorable closing or conclusion.

On his presentation, Matthew directly grabbed the audience's attention with a strong opening. He took out his pocket camera and was directly into action as if he was taking pictures. Then, body of the speech which plays an important role to enhance his message. In this part, he started showing his slides while explaining the three important aspects of photography, i.e. people, landscape and creativity.

1. People

If your focus is people, please make sure that they are clearly seen and big enough to become center of attention.

2. Landscape
Put the horizon line on the upper or lower part of the center line. In other words, don't put the horizon line in the middle.

3. Creativity
Be creative in your photo shooting.

At the end, Matthew closed his speech with a beautiful and creative slide. It was the picture of him jumping in the air. I thought his closing would even be stronger if he also jumped in front of us imitating his pose on the last slide.

Anyway, Matthew's message was educational and effective for me. I learned new thing that night. And, for sure that I would remember these three simple aspects of photography long after that night. Thank you Matthew for sharing your knowledge with us and for giving me the permission to share three of your photos here.

Before I left JTC, Matthew gave me a beautiful calender from the Australian Embassy. From total of thirteen pictures, three photos taken by Matthew were included. I was grateful and said to him that I would keep it as long as I could.

At last, let me close this writing by sharing a beautiful words from Goldsmith: "People seldom improve when they have no other model but themselves to copy after."

Character

Some time ago I came across the following poem in one of the books I read:

Don't walk behind me, I will not lead;
Don't walk in front of me, I will not follow;
Just walk beside me and be my friend.

These words sum up clearly and concisely the expectations of any parents if one day their young adult children are ready to leave the nest. However, before the time comes, let's ask ourselves: What have we done to prepare our children so one day they are ready to fly with their own wings? In parenting our child, most of us interact in a way that comes naturally. In other words, we are the legacy our parents and/or grandparents has left behind. However, as time has changed during the past four decades, our parenting styles also need adjustment to cope with this. We can't only depend on the past solutions we learned from older generation. As a matter of fact, we have to improve our parenting knowledge. The future is now. We are preparing our children for the future. In other words, think about the future while parenting in the present.

Now, what is the most important key our children should have? It is CHARACTER. A person's character is one's destiny. Positive character determines the inner strength. It is a strong foundation to moral functioning or integrity. The patterns children establish early in life will live out later. And character is always formed in a child's early life in strong bonding and relationship among the family and extended family members.

So, what can we do to develop a positive character in our children? There are three things we can start with:

1. RESPONSIBILITY
Our children need to know that they are responsible for themselves. Their problems are their own problems, so no one else to be blamed. We have to make them understand that they must gradually take responsibility for their own problems. What begins as the parent's burden must end up as theirs. For example, I've prepared my children to be responsible for their own study since the first grade. At the time, I only help them to gradually develop their self-learning ability. It was not easy at first. However, it was worth all the effort involved.

2. RESPECT
Have you ever been in a relationship with a friend who can't respect your boundaries? It is a tiring and difficult thing to cope, isn't it? It is our job to make our children realize that if they grow up not respecting others, their future will be in jeopardy. Children tend to be mirrors in which we see ourselves. They reflect our behavior, habits, attitudes and ways of seeing life. So before we teach our children, make sure we are respecting theirs and others.

Here are some rules:

• Don't hurt others
• Understand that we are different from each other
  
• Show respect to people around you, especially to your spouse
  
• Feel sad instead of mad when we don't get what we want

A good lesson we can teach our children is that the world doesn't belong to only them and they have to share it with others. It's okay when they don't always get what they want.

3. MOTIVATION
During Q&A (Question and Answer) session at my parenting seminar in schools, most parents complained that their children don't have enough motivation to study. How could this happen? And what can you do to help them develop good motivation?

• Fear of consequences. Thing to do: Avoid angry punishment. Don't give your child guilt and shame messages.
  
• Immature conscience. Thing to do: Avoid over-strictness or under-strictness.
• Detachment and conditional love. Thing to do: Create a supportive relationship and love unconditionally.

We know that parents play an important role in bringing up a child. Especially nowadays, our task becomes much more difficult. So, keep on improving ourselves in order to become a better parent for the children as their future depends on how we develop them now. As I do agree with what Jacqueline Kennedy said: "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much."

The Love Needs

Our marriage life is dead. Our sex life is almost nonexistent. My spouse and I don't talk much anymore. I don't see how we can ever have a great marriage. I'm not sure my spouse really wants me. We argue more than we ever did before. We still live under one roof for the sake of the children. Are you familiar with these conditions and thinking, That's us? If yes, then this article is for you.

If you are at that point of discouragement in your marriage, take heart. You always can restore the damage provided both of you want to work it out. I've been married for more than eighteen years and feel that it's very important to stay connected to our spouse. The reason is that I don't want to miss out on the joy of a great marriage. After up and down in the first ten years of my marriage, I learned that the most important thing to preserve your marriage is TO UNDERSTAND & MEET EACH OTHER'S LOVE NEEDS, such as:

1. Acceptance
2. Companionship
3. Romance

ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance means, "I will stay with you no matter what. I will always love you and support you." It's easy to say but difficult to do especially in the midst of tough times, isn't? Anyhow, my husband is a good example of this. I once asked him, "We've been married for quite a long time. You know me inside out and outside in. I'm impulsive and straightforward, don't like to travel, I sometimes nag you and hurt your feelings. If only you could go back to the time you decided to marry me, would you still do the same or you would marry someone else?" "I would marry no one, but you," he said. "I've been living with you for many years and it never comes to my mind that I want to replace this with someone else. I have no regrets, my dear. I love you whoever you are and always see the positive sides of you."

I couldn't believe my ears, but felt relief that he only answered my question and didn't throw it back to me. I knew I wasn't as ready as he was to answer such question. However, from that moment, I felt that I was lucky to have this humble and simple man, not only as my husband but also as father of my children. He is wise, kind and understanding. He has been very supportive for all these years. He gives me chance to develop and improve myself and never complains if I keep on buying books. So, in my opinion acceptance is the cornerstone for unconditional love.

COMPANIONSHIP
Our partner should be our best friend. It means that we have to develop a level of trust that will enable us to feel honesty, trust and safe. Here are some tips to create an intimate companionship:

• Show that you care
• Listen without judging
• Offer encouragement
• Give undivided attention
  
• Share your own experience to draw your spouse closer to you
• Learn some of the things your spouse is interested in
• Be present if needed

There is a saying that "The couple that plays together stays together." However, this doesn't mean that we have to be "good" at everything our spouse excels at and we don't have to be as enthusiastic about things as they are. What matters is that we validate their interest and join them in some of their activities. For example, my husband likes to watch football games on TV and I only accompany him once in a while. But, I update myself on football news to maintain a positive conversation with him. My husband is not a Toastmasters like me, but he has been well informed on my activities in Toastmasters. So, to maintain a good companionship we've got to maintain an open communication.

ROMANCE
Romance is love or the feeling of being in love. After years of marriage, most of us seem to overlook one of the most important things to preserve our marriage. It is to nurture a romantic relationship. If you are not a romantic person, you need to learn how to become one. Otherwise, your relationship will go sour. Maybe you could start by writing a simple love letter. Or, if you can't, find the one written by someone else and read it for your spouse. If it's still difficult, just print it out and hand it over to your spouse for reading. Does it sound easy now?

At the 'love letter' session in one of our Toastmasters meetings, there was a beautiful letter written by one of my fellows Toastmasters. He said that he wrote it for someone special but never sent it out. I then asked if I could include his letter on my writing and publish it in my blog. He agreed and sent it to me by e-mail. I like it very much and hope that you will like it, too. I've read it over and over again, and hopefully it can be a source of inspiration for you to write your own love letters.

My love,
You asked how much I need you? Must I explain?
I need you like roses need rain.

You asked how much I miss you... let me explain,
Raising in the morning, my first thought is of you.
I dream of you every night.

You asked how much I love you?
You asked how long will I love you?
Must I explain?

I love you till the clover lost its perfume,
I love you till the blue bells forget to bloom,
And that is a very, very long time...

Affectionately yours,
XOXOXO

At last, no matter what position is your marriage now, remember that ACCEPTANCE, COMPANIONSHIP and ROMANCE can always be a path to enhance your love every day, every hour and every minute.

Taylor Swift

If you have a sixteen years old daughter and she asks you to listen to the songs of her favorite teenage artist. What would you do? Say yes? My word, it is hard to buy!

Sunday night, April 12
While holding a CD, my sixteen years old daughter, Lisa asked if I had a plan to go out the following day. At first, I had no idea why she threw that question. I told her that on Monday evening, I would attend the meeting at JTC (Jakarta Toastmasters Club) as usual. She then handed the CD over to me and asked if I would like to listen to Taylor Swift's songs on my car audio. Now I knew what she was up to. She knows that I only listen to the music when I am driving. So hopefully, I would listen to the CD on my way to JTC. It was Taylor Swift's first album, Fearless. I almost said no to her instantly and was grateful that I didn't do it. I thought I wouldn't like the songs written by this young and talented artist like Taylor Swift though she is now one of Lisa's favorite singers. However, I said to myself, hold on, don't let her down. At least listen to the music before telling her your opinion.

Monday evening, April 13
When I left home heading for JTC, I forgot to bring the CD. So I missed the chance to find something out why Lisa loves Taylor Swift so much. Before I entered the meeting room at JTC, I received a call from the school car driver who always brings Lisa to school every day. He said that his car was still in the garage so he couldn't pick Lisa up the following morning. Blessing in disguise! It suddenly came to my mind that what a perfect moment for me to drive Lisa to her school while listening to Taylor Swift's CD.

Tuesday, April 14
When I woke up in the morning, I put the CD on top of my handbag right away. It was to make sure that I didn't miss it again. Lisa was surprised when she knew that I would bring her to school. I played the CD as soon as we were inside the car. I thought if I didn't like the songs, I could explain to her directly.

To my surprise, I fell in love with Taylor Swift even though I've just listened to her first song. The lyrics were sweet and simple. Especially the song called 'The Best Day'. It was about the best days Taylor spent with her father. I love the song very much as it brings back all the memories I ever had with my late father more than 30 years ago.

I have an excellent father
his strength is making me stronger...

Now I know why all the trees change in the Fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
and I love you for giving me your eyes
staying back watching me shine and I didn't know if you knew
so I'm taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you today

- Taylor Swift -

I love you, Lisa
I love you so much
and I'm glad that you care for me

Thank you for letting me listen to those beautiful songs
especially 'The Best Day'
It means a lot to me

Love,
Mom

PS: Please let me know if you need the CD back.

The Interview (part 2)

"Now please let me know what you've got after learning vocal for more than eighteen months."

"Walter Gagehot said that a great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. For me, a great pleasure in life is doing what people don't expect you can do."

"You quoted Walter Gagehot. I like it."

"I was appointed as Master of Ceremony at a Toastmasters leadership training two months ago. It was exactly on February 14, the Valentine Day. So, when I was given the control to open the session, I did what people didn't expect me to do. You're all I need, my love, my Valentine. I sang for my audience. It was only a tiny part of a song before I continued with my greetings: Good afternoon everybody! HAPPY VALENTINE TO ALL OF YOU. Don't you think that my fellow toastmasters deserved a little difference for that special day? If I don't routinely spend time with my coach, probably I didn't have the guts to sing in front of one hundred people at that time. So, point number one: singing has increased my self confidence even more."

"Now, let's move to point number two. As coach and public speaker, sometimes I have to speak for hours. Here, voice plays a very important role. To maintain its quality, we need to know how to breathe correctly using the diaphragm. The way we inhale and exhale or breathe in and breathe out determines how much oxygen we can bring into our internal organs. Hopefully, the more we bring oxygen inside our body, the more we will look younger than our age. Practicing yoga also helps improve our breathing. So, in my opinion, singing plus yoga is useful to maintain the quality of your voice."

"It makes sense."

"As a matter of fact. I'm enjoying the grateful shade of my coach, Charles Nasution. I feel so lucky to know him. And, what I really like about him is he adores, admires and respects his teacher, Mrs Catharina W. Leimena so much. Madam Catharin is a prominent singing coach in this country. Charles told me that though he has been seeing his teacher for eighteen years, he always has a new thing to learn every time he comes to her. Can you imagine, after all this time, he is still passionate for what he is doing. This is a very good example, isn't it?"

"Now, let's go back to the benefit of my singing lesson. It's point number three, I guess. Knowing more helps you improve your judging ability and develop your critical thinking. American Idol is one of the best programs to give my knowledge a test."

"Don't you have any specific intention when you decided to enroll in this private singing course?"

"You mean, becoming a professional singer? No, I didn't. Singing is my soul. It's a spontaneous and natural act for me. I like singing and love to sing. When I was young, of course I ever dreamed to become a singer. But now, it's a different world. I'm happy with who I'm now: a mother of two teenagers, a lovely wife to my husband, a coach and a public speaker. For me, singing has painted my life with new light and bright colors."

"When vocalizing, I have a certain pitch to reach. It really needs a constant practice to arrive at the lowest and highest note I suppose to hit. Charles told me that it takes time and process to be at the level I'm capable of. I realize that I can always raise the bar though I have to do it with each millimeter. This kind of feeling is relevant to any aspect of my life. I know I can always achieve the target I set as long as I do it seriously and with high determination. Now I have set a new target. Two years from now, I would like to sing in front of one thousand people."

"I believe it will happen to you, Vina."

"Thank you so much! I still remember what my coach, Michel Gagne ever told me. He said that to be successful in what you are doing, you have to make yourself visible. I believe it's true. When you enjoy what you are doing, people will notice it. So, automatically you can be visible. But, behind the scene you need to do your homework. I think the quotation I picked and chose from Elmer Letterman, "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity" suits the whole things to a T.

The end.

The Interview (part 1)

Our passions - those pursuits that we love to do, the things that provide us with the greatest sense of fulfillment - also go a long way in determining our personal values.

On Tuesday, March 31, I received a short message from a Senior Editor of a prominent woman magazine from Femina Group. She asked if I had time to talk to her about my singing course. At first, I was a bit confused. I had just been interviewed by her last December. The topic was about relationship between mother and teenagers. Now, again for a different topic? Anyway, I'm a people oriented person and like to see and talk to people. So how I could say no to her and miss this golden opportunity?

We then met the following day.

"Vina, I remember last time we met you talked about your singing course and today I would like to dig into it. Why do you learn how to sing and what is it for you?" she asked.

"From the dictionary, to learn means to gain knowledge or skill by studying. It could be from experience or being taught. But I would like to add something here. For me, to learn is not only to GAIN knowledge or skill, but also to MAINTAIN or IMPROVE it. For people who already knows me for years, probably they are curious why I still need a singing teacher. Actually, I prefer to call it a singing coach. I've been singing since I was a little kid till I finished high school and mostly I did my performance at school. I believe singing is a gift from God because not everybody can sing. When I was in junior high school many many years ago, I insisted my mom to hire a singing teacher for me but we couldn't find one. Today, I'm happy to have what I couldn't have in the past. Besides, as both of my children has become less and less dependent, I have more time and more energy for my self. I can create chances for self-development. And yet, the most important thing is I have the opportunity to do things I'm passionate about. For example: reading, singing and speaking. That's why I'm always happy to spend my time at home reading as many books as I wish; Meet my singing coach once a week and come to Toastmasters meetings to improve my speaking skill."

"It sounds interesting."

"Yes. It feels great if you are passion for what you do. Singing is a skill that we need to maintain. And to do so, a coach plays a very important role. Every time if I don't have the right voice placement while vocalizing or singing, he always gives me a code. He told me that he is paid for his ears, a sharp ones of course." I then showed my interviewer what vocalizing is."

"So tell me how did you find your coach."

"Firstly, It was my husband. He can't sing no matter how hard he tries. So, he always wanted me to sing at any wedding reception we attended and I was reluctant to do so. One day he said to me that he can't understand why I don't like to show my ability in public. So, at my brother-in-law's wedding reception in February 2006, I did sing two mandarin songs just to please him. You know, I received a compliment from one of his relatives afterward. She said, that if I become a singer, she would like to be my manager. My husband was so proud of me. But I had a different view. I did the singing and he got the credit."

"Secondly, when we were cruising off Pulau Seribu during JTC (Jakarta Toastmasters Club) outing gathering in July 29, 2007, we had a karaoke session. One of my friends said to me that when I sing I do it with my soul. I was flattered and amused. But deep in my heart, I knew that my singing ability was still not as good as many people thought."

"At last, when I attended a commemoration service at my sister's house in August 2007, there was a singer who sang beautifully. At diner, I paid him a compliment and asked if he had a singing teacher. Guess what his answer was: YES! I was so delighted when I found out that the address was not far from home. Later that night, I told my husband that I would like to have a coach to improve my singing skill. I said that would like to start in January 2008. His comment was why did I have to wait if I could do it as soon as possible."

"I see."

"Yeah, that's how I found my coach more than eighteen months ago. I didn't wait for the ship to come in, I swim out to it."

to be continued...

I Made It!

Last night, I was lying on my bed holding my favorite book 'Outliers' when suddenly I heard the sound of footsteps approaching my room. It was my son, Eric. He is now studying at year 12 and soon will go to a university for further study. Two days ago, he told me that he didn't get through NTU & NUS (Singapore), but now, it was a different story.
"Mom & Dad, I made it! I go through the University of Indonesia (UI). Do you want to see the announcement?"
"Of course! How can I resist it." I said to him. So, I jumped out of the bed and in few seconds, my husband and I were already in front of the computer letting Eric lead us to the information he was about to disclose. While listening to his explanation, I turned my head to the right side of the wall and glanced through the clock. It was only shortly after midnight. Eric is always precise with what he is doing, I said to myself. The date April 4, 2009 was the very date UI would send out the announcement to all of the students who joined the placement test on March 1, 2009.

Firstly, we read the announcement. We congratulated him and were very happy for him. Among tens of thousands year 12 students from 37 cities in Indonesia, Eric was included in the acceptance list. As parents, we are always proud of him. No matter if he fails or succeeds. For me, who never ever had a chance to study in University, the news Eric brought last night was a blessing. It is my dream that one day my children will have a better education than what I had in the past.

Secondly, Eric told us that to study Information Technology, he prefers ITB to UI. So, he still needs to wait for few days to make a decision. Since the placement test for ITB was harder than UI, we realize that his chance to go to ITB is not so good. Then through websites, Eric showed us the program difference if he studies IT at UI compared to ITB. He also shared with us the syllabus of computer studies. There are five majors in studying computer and I hope I still can remember all of them: Computer Engineering, Computer Science, Computer Software, Information Technology and Information Science and only the last two (IT and IS) are available to study in Indonesia.

Finally, since early February '09, Eric had prepared himself for the schedule below:

ROAD TO UNIVERSITY:
Feb 21 & 22 '09 : NTU Entrance Examination Test at Canisius College
Mar 1 '09 : UI Test at SMAN 44, Jl. Delima IV, Perumnas Klender, East Jakarta
Mar 12 & 13 '09 : Singapore Scholarship Entrance Test at Singapore Embassy (Temasek Hall)
Mar 13 '09 : Pick up Identity Card for ITB Test at MAN Insan Cendekia, BSD
Mar 14 & 15 '09 : ITB Test at MAN Insan Cendekia, BSD
At the same time, from March 11 till 17, Eric had block examinations at School.

Now, what can I say?
1. I appreciated the work and effort Eric had done to reach his objective.
2. Eric knows what he wants to study.
3. Eric has planned his work and worked his plan.
4. One of the values every member in my family believes is persistency always pays off.

Unforgettable Letter

March 30, 2009

At Jakarta Toastmasters Club (JTC) meeting that night, I was sitting besides my dear friend, Imung Hikmah. She is an active woman, full of initiative and energy. These are the reasons why she becomes one of my favorite friends. I saw her for the first time in February 2006 when I was only six months with Toastmasters. And, Imung was a contestant at the area level of Toastmasters International Speech Contest. Her winning speech 'Sweet Revenge' put her all the way up to the Division level and she was placed the first runner-up for Division I.

We became friends when I've started to visit JTC regularly since September 2006. Imung is so expressive and eloquent speaker by far in the club. I admire her ability to write and the way she delivers her speeches. So, that Monday, at a special 'love letter' session, Ivan, our TOM (Toastmasters of the Meeting) asked all of us to write a love letter for anybody and anyone we like or love. For sure, some of us would have a chance to read our letters out loud in front of the audience. When Imung raised her hand asking for a chance to talk, I thought it must be interesting to listen to what she was going to say. However, after only few lines I realized that it was me she was talking about. Praise be! She had written that letter specially for me.

For me,
you are honey bunny sugar cake tummy yummy;
you're kind, you're my sweety pie.
You always make the JTC meeting hot and noisy with your contagious crunchy laugh,
hi hi hi... ha ha ha...
You are passionate laughter creature.
I love you, Vina
I love you.
Please stop humming now!
Just give me your hi hi hi...

Love,
Imung

When I reached home that night, I read Imung's letter over and over again. I was flattered by her witty words and I could see the funny side of them. After being friend with her for quite some time, I knew she really meant it.

I love you, too, Imung and this is the best letter I've ever got since I joined Toastmasters almost four years ago.

My Blog

Sang Kuda Api's Blog was created.